Objection, Ms. Heard, You Are Not a Victim!
7 things to ask before calling yourself a victim
All those who had been glued to the Depp-Heard trial would agree that it was better than any legal drama we have ever followed. The pleasure of watching our new girl-crush, Ms. Vasquez, be an absolute beast, the joy of watching the truth unfold, and the victory of charming Jhonny Depp were all a delightful validation of our belief that ‘Truth Prevails’. However, this piece is not about that. It is actually for all the Ms. Heards out there who want their victim stories to be ‘Heardier’ than Heard’s :D
I find it sad, ironic but true that the actual and real victims of domestic violence are often so drained from their experience that they hardly have the courage or energy to speak about it. And if that was not enough they are over-shadowed and misrepresented by those women shouting to be acknowledged as victims of violence after experiencing some minor inconvenience.
Holistically speaking, I notice that often the emotional nature of women makes them highly susceptible to having their perspective fuzzed out. It sometimes worsens to the extent that they completely lose touch of reality. At its height, it forces them to become manipulative and twist the narrative in their favor to make them look innocent and to gain sympathy. The icing on top is the distorted idea of feminism that unfortunately sells like hot cakes in our society and adds fuel to this destructive fantasy of self-pity.
Women, the emotional beings, who should be using this precious trait to empathize and make the world a better place to live in, more than often, are misguided by it. They take decisions that end up harming no one but themselves. In order to become aware of this dangerous potential of our emotions, here is a list of questions you can ask yourselves when you find yourself in a situation where you feel the need to explain your narrative:
1. Am I actually a victim or am I only feeling like one?
Being a victim is one thing. Feeling like one is another. Being a victim is based on facts whereas feeling like one feeds on perspective which can be distorted especially in our society where young girls are misled into believing that they are entitled to sympathy and care from the day they are declared a female. Not only is this kind of brought up extremely limiting but also strips women of their strength that they never get to explore. When these girls grow up, it is hard for them to give up on this entitlement that they had lived off for so many years. Therefore, in a conflict, instead of dealing with the situation in a mature way, they end up feeling or are made (by people around them) to feel like victims for all the wrong, made-up-in-the-head, far-from-reality reasons. Feeling like a victim puts you in defense mode by default. And once that happens it becomes very difficult to undo this mentality because feeling sympathetic for your own self is a tempting place to keep living in. I read something really nice by Mathew McConaughey:
LIFE’S NOT EASY…don’t try and make it that way. It’s not fair, it never was, it isn’t now, it won’t ever be. Do not fall into the entitlement trap of feeling you are a victim, you are not. Get over it and get on with it. And yes, most things are more rewarding when you break a sweat to get em.
You can find the article here: https://medium.com/@mcconaughey/13-lessons-learned-e4f8ceb21e60
2. Am I coming from an emotional place?
While narrating your side of the story never, EVER (if you can help it) discuss while in an emotional state. Emotions make you forget little details that matter to the truth and makes you focus only on the ones that matter to you and your ego. It tends to make you over-sensitive, directing your perspective to be more sympathetic towards your own self. If you must discuss your story in an emotional state, train your mind to stick to the facts only or make sure to have a neutral/wise person around who can put you back on track when you begin to derail. Have the courage to be open to the possibility of you being wrong. Which brings us to our next pointer.
3. Am I being defensive?
If you do find that you are wrong, admitting is much less stressful and much more liberating than becoming defensive and holding on to your lie so tightly that you bruise yourself. In the trial, Heard denying to not have donated her divorce settlement or the disaster where Heard’s lawyers admitted in evidence an edited picture as proof of physical abuse are an example of that. As the famous saying goes ‘to hide one lie, you will have to cover it up with more lies’. The way Depp’s lawyers eventually proved that Heard had tampered with the picture eventually put her in an embarrassing spot and made her look absolutely ridiculous and unreliable.
Would you rather admit your mistake and melt hearts by apologizing like Depp did? Or would you rather hold on to a lie in the hope that people are not smart enough to figure it out like Heard did? Its up to you.
4. Am I telling the truth or twisting the facts to my advantage?
Am I clear about the facts or is it likely that they may have been twisted because of my perspective?
Remember! Even if it is something that seems like it may not matter much, be very very careful stating the facts because if you do not handle your facts right, they can turn against you just like we witnessed in the Depp-Heard trial. Be extra careful while accusing the other party of something. Even if you are sure that it is the truth, lack of evidence means you might as well not bother mentioning it. Never accuse others of wrong doings just to earn sympathy. It is a sign of weakness as it shows that you are driven by others’ opinion of you. In the absence of evidence, have the patience and poise to let time reveal the truth. It does not take much for people to figure out on their own who to really blame.
5. Is my credibility strong enough?
In the meantime work on your own credibility. Sometimes twisting a fact here and there might seem harmless, but these things silently make or break your credibility. If you are caught in a small lie it may not alter the facts much but it definitely destroys your trustworthiness. You need to make yourself so truthful that when you do slip (and you will because you are only human) the listeners allow themselves to give you benefit of doubt based on your consistency of telling the truth. Get your facts straight and then SAY them straight!
6. Are my supporters supporting me because they think I am in the right, or are they supporting me because they HAVE to?
Beware of the people who side with you just because they are your friends (at that moment). Relationships are often temporary. The support of these people is only as strong as the relationship itself. This kind of support that is based on looks, fame, money, power and emotions etc is as fleeting as all these things. A person who supports you for truth has a reason and will to stay firm on his word. Not only is he a person with a strong character but also someone worth having by your side.
7. Am I considering myself entitled to sympathy/support just because I am a woman or do I actually deserve it?
If the Depp-Heard trial has done anything, it is proving that sympathy and support has got nothing to do with gender.
Come out of this mentality that you have earned the favor of people by just being a woman. Work hard on building a strong, unwavering character. Yes, even if for the majority of your life your credibility was questionable, dont lose heart. Do it! Its never too late. Learn something new about yourself everyday. Admit your mistakes and refrain from repeating them. Allow yourself a lot of exposure and grow with it. Challenge what the society perceives and expects from women. Apply to that degree program, be a good driver, manage your finances, get a job without involving a brother, father or husband. Amaze them! Because it is only after doing all this, that you truly deserve that admiration and support.
By following the above pointers, one exhibits emotional strength, the ability to honor the truth more than their own self and the humbleness to acknowledge mistakes. Such a person radiates real strengths and eventually earns admiration. Such a strong woman often does not get into trouble at all. But if she does, she would not feel the need to offer an explanation to people because they already know and she already has their support.
